Life Goes On

This is the road I walk along nearly every morning. Sometimes I walk in a mindful way, trying to notice everything around me, and sometimes I listen to podcasts or let my thoughts wander where they will. Letting thoughts wander where they will can be a dangerous prospect these days, but I am also learning to redirect, avoid traps, and make spaces for stillness.

There’s a lot going on out there and right here. Yesterday white fog blurred hilltops, a tiny garter snake slid with speed and stealth across the path, and a canyon wren sang its beautiful song as I passed. I learned that twelve new moons had been discovered orbiting Jupiter, and that rising sea levels might affect internet infrastructure. I heard more disturbing news about the current regime and the bizarre creature who is supposedly 0ur president, then quickly switched over to On Being and savored an interview with the wonderful Luis Alberto Urrea: “A deep truth of our time is that we miss each other.”

In terms of my own health and recovery, I am feeling so much better, and I am filled with gratitude. Earlier this week, I went back to Los Angeles for follow-up visits with the surgeon and internist, both of whom said everything looks fine. I don’t need to go back there anymore! My mission is to keep healing, adapting, and getting stronger. Yes, it will take a good year, and I’ll never be quite the same, but maybe in some ways I’ll be better. I’m learning a lot.

One thing that helps is that I’ve been sleeping, dreaming even. I write my dreams  down sometimes before I forget them, and they are a source of fascination and amusement. One night I dream-drank two cups of Italian espresso, another time I bravely climbed up to the top of a roof  for a better view of a bay. I camped in the mountains in Japan, rode a bike without falling over, and prepared a casserole topped with plum and pomegranate sauce. I don’t know what any of this means except that my appetite for life is asserting itself in those REM cycles.

And it is asserting itself in real life too. On the morning of my appointments in Los Angeles, we wandered around downtown, and I felt my curiosity and enthusiasm click into gear, watching people, looking at street art, marveling at urban architecture. We stayed in a 1923 hotel, its lobby elaborately vintage, and we saw an extraordinary photography exhibit at the public library about war and its aftermath. This powerful poem by Wislawa Szymborska was mounted on the wall:

Reality demands
we also state the following:
life goes on.
It does so near Cannae and Borodino,
at Kosovo Polje and Guernica.

There is a gas station
in a small plaza in Jericho,
and freshly painted
benches near Bila Hora.
Letters travel
between Pearl Harbor and Hastings,
a furniture truck passes
before the eyes of the lion of Cheronea,
and only an atmospheric front advances
towards the blossoming orchards near Verdun.

There is so much of Everything
that Nothing is quite well concealed.
Music flows
from yachts near Actium
and couples on board dance in the sunlight.

So much keeps happening,
that it must be happening everywhere.
Where stone is heaped on stone,
there is an ice cream truck
besieged by children.
Where Hiroshima had been,
Hiroshima is again
manufacturing products
for everyday use.

Not without its charms is this terrible world,
not without its mornings
worth our waking.

In the fields of Maciejowice
the grass is green
and on the grass is — you know how grass is —
transparent dew.

Maybe there are no fields other than battlefields,
those still remembered,
and those long forgotten,
birch woods and cedar woods,
snows and sands, iridescent swamps,
and ravines of dark defeat
where today, in sudden need,
you squat behind a bush.

What moral flows from this? Maybe none.
But what really flows is quickly-drying blood,
and as always, some rivers and clouds.

On the tragic mountain passes
the wind blows hats off heads
and we cannot help–
but laugh.

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The Green Ball

The other day as I walked solo on the beach I came upon a large, green, very bouncy beach ball snagged in the kelp, about to be pulled out to sea to become pollution. I heroically ventured into the damp water’s edge and pulled it out, then kicked it along as I walked. Sometimes it bounced a bit and went far. Sometimes it started rolling back into the water and I had to run after it. This went on for quite a while. I suddenly had a purpose. What’s more, I suddenly realized I was having fun chasing the green ball. Actual fun! Then followed the realization that I need more frivolity and play in my life. I gave the ball to the first kid I saw, a girl who was thrilled to have it, whose mom said they’d bring it home and make sure it didn’t end up in the ocean. But here’s to fun. I want some more of that.

I must be getting better…right?

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Having Had My Chain Yanked

I was upstairs in my little room, lying on a yoga mat with the intent of stretching and meditating, but really just lying on a yoga mat. Suddenly I had the sensation that I was not alone, and there on the deck was a bobcat, a particularly large and beautiful one.  He looked at me while I looked at him, then he casually ambled off.

I told this story to my friend Dan, accompanied by the photo above. “The bobcat allowed you to see him because you were worthy and awake,” he wrote. “It sounds like you are seeing again. I mean really seeing.”

He quoted these lines from Rilke’s “Turning Point”:

For a long time he attained it in looking.
Stars fell to their knees before his compelling vision,
And as he looked on, kneeling, his intensity’s fragrance
Tired out a god till it smiled at him in its sleep.

And later:

Animals trusted him, stepped into his open look grazing,
And the imprisoned lions looked into it
As if into an incomprehensible freedom…

“Turning Point” is an appropriate phrase, because I do feel that I have reached one. And also because so much of this experience is about turning, in particular turning my head deliberately, repeatedly, and rapidly to facilitate my vestibular readjustment, and turning my body to loosen up and possibly revive the memories of joyful motion. Some of the exercises feel absurd, but I have been reassured that they help, and I’ve had to put my faith in all sorts of things these days. There’s a lot to get used to. I’m literally out of balance, and I’m easily fatigued, and my eyes are dry and tired. I often have a vaguely headachy feeling, as though invisible hands are pressing on my skull, and the one-sided deafness can be disorienting at times, and some days I feel like I just stepped off a merry-go-round…sort of wobbly and woozy…and that’s just the way it is.

I’m turning my perspective around too. I’m learning what I’m dealing with, and learning to adapt. A Ranch neighbor who was in a terrible car accident more than a decade ago reached out to me recently and graciously offered to be a mentor and friend. She has endured more than her share of suffering with extraordinary grace, and I was so moved by what she wrote, and found her insights so helpful and wise, I’ve decided to share her words here:

You will learn to move forward and find the best path to begin this momentous journey of healing not only your body but your spirit, and the taking back of your life.  Will it be the same as before? Probably not, but that is what life is, an everchanging landscape.  Sometimes we gracefully traverse it and at other moments we are miserably crawling around, looking outward for a reprieve, for we are drawn to that easy beautiful path.

I have found personally that my toughest moments were the ones that brought me the most insight not only into myself but those with whom I spend my closest moments, and I have grown beautifully. I have crossed a desert of pain and hopelessness, not always gracefully, but like that ugly duckling my time has come at last…I am a swan!  I know there are tough days but there are many more good and I live those fully. There are some things I can no longer do, although I have done my best to try, but I have stretched my wings and found new avenues to travel which I never would have known existed without having had my chain yanked!

My dearest, you have had your chain yanked. Now thank the universe that you have been given a chance to live more fully and with more gusto, taking chances you never thought you might, because you now will grow an inward strength you never really knew you owned.

Yes, you will heal, and yes, there will be times of great trials for you physically, mentally and spiritually, but with each assault you will rise to the occasion because you will soon understand that maybe this freak little tumor saved your life more than you know right now. 

It turns out that life is how we look at it, and how we respond to twists and turns, some of which are scary. And we are frightened that we will never be the same, but thinking back, was the same the best that life had to offer or just a controlled flight that we had learned was safe to make? Or is life the wild outback with beautiful new vistas, scents of unimaginable delights and possibly finding oneself doing what we once thought was impossible but is now a new passion?

The birthing process is not easy as you know, but one of my teachers once told me that a child born through a long labor was much stronger because they fought for life. That is you now. You are going through your own labor, and you will come out of it stronger because you know you can endure these next contractions. My work is not me healing you but sharing with you energies and teaching you possibly different modes of healing your body and introducing you to various ideas that will bring you comfort as you heal. YOU WILL HEAL, IT WILL TAKE SOME TIME, YOU WILL LEARN TO ADAPT, AND ADJUST.

I can see already that this is true. But the reason it is possible for me now is that I have begun to emerge from a debilitating depression.  My initial response to the aftermath of the surgery was trauma, panic, insomnia, and fear. I think I was in a state of shock. I did not believe that I would ever recover, and it seemed to me that the quality of my life was so diminished, it was not a life I wanted. I have never been so depressed in my life, and it was scary.

But I’ve been working hard, have had a lot of help, and I’m taking medication for a while. I still struggle with sleeplessness now and then, but it’s not a nightly ordeal, and my anxiety and negativity have lifted. I get pretty fatigued by the end of the day, and there are still discouraging days when I feel somewhat precarious, but at last there is room to let hope enter.

It got me to thinking about depression and suffering, and what we learn and gain from these if we make it through. As my friend wrote, perhaps I will live with more gusto, and do things I never before imagined.  Perhaps I will develop an inner strength I never knew I owned. I hope so.

Recently I happened to hear a podcast in which Krista Tippett  interviewed Andrew Solomon, Parker Palmer, and Anita Barrows about depression, and their insights deeply resonate.

“Suddenly, in depression,” said Barrows, “you are ripped from what felt like your life, from what felt right and familiar and balanced and ordinary and ordered, and you’re just thrown into this place where you’re ravaged, where the wind rips the leaves from the trees, and there you are — very, very much the soul in depression.”

I knew exactly what she meant. For a time, I was no longer myself.  I dreaded each day, was afraid to see people, and felt no joy or enthusiasm about anything. Now, thankfully, I recognize that I am still in here. I have a long journey ahead, but my spirit and determination have returned. And I have a new kind of awareness about life. Solomon expressed this idea with eloquence:

“I think the awareness of my own vulnerability has made me more aware of other people’s vulnerability and more appreciative of people who cushion me from the things to which I am vulnerable. So I think it’s made me both more loving and more receptive to love and given me a clearer sense than I would otherwise have had of the value of love. And I suppose — again, without wanting to get into a suggestion of specific doctrine, but that has also given me a sense that some abstract love in the world, which I suppose we could call the love of God, is essential and significant. And it has been increased in me, both in terms of my appreciation for it, and my feeling of being loved or held.”

I feel that way, absolutely. My therapist says that the goal is post-traumatic growth, and that’s what I am striving for.  Becoming suddenly impaired and having so many new challenges and discomforts to get used to  is a transformative experience I would have loved to have skipped, but since we don’t get to choose, I might as well turn it into something positive and emerge stronger and better. I have one more MRI and one more trip to LA in July to confirm that the tumor is entirely gone (they said it was, but we want visual proof of its absolute absence) and then, no more looking back. Only onward.

One thing I’ve already learned is that I am absolved. No more beating up on myself. I have suffered enough. I’ve been a good enough, well-meaning person, and I don’t intend to waste any more precious life energy flagellating myself and dwelling on sadness and regret. Also, I’m learning that we get to choose what owns us…I can focus on an unpleasant sensation and let it dominate the day, or I can label it differently and pay attention to something more worthy. I’m learning to be more compassionate of the suffering of others. I’m learning that I have some remarkable, kind, and gracious people in my life. I’m learning to be helped. I’m learning that I have been very truly loved. I’m learning that I still like the way sunlight fades the paint on an old wooden house, and how the yellow grass is turning russet, and that if I happen to look up at night, I see a sky powdery with white stars so wondrous it’s hard to imagine they are not singing us all awake.

So I’m a little wobbly, but upright, and open to possibility. Precarious, yes, but leaning towards the light. I have seen my depths and demons, but maybe there’s power in facing those and learning to manage them, and maybe I’ll be better than ever, and live more fully, so the whole experience will have been a net gain.

As Barrows writes:

Something
that had been stopped
is beginning to move: a leaf
driven against a rock
by a current
frees itself, finds its way again
through moving water…

To be continued, I’m happy to say.

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Flirting with King Frederick

It’s very difficult to write about an experience when you’re still in the thick of it, and not even sure if and how you will be able to find your way out. But here I am, trying to talk about it lest I fall silent entirely and lose the ability to seek sense through words.

Let’s start with the obvious. I have not been a poster child for recovery from acoustic neuroma surgery. No one said it would be easy, but I was not prepared for the particular challenges and complexities it would unleash in me, and my own psychology, dormant or carefully managed for decades, suddenly exploded into crippling anxiety and debilitating insomnia.

I’ve scared people away. I’ve scared myself. I have had moments when I honestly have not been convinced that I can get through this. Suffering is not a relative term…suffering is suffering when you are the one to whom it is happening. I cannot describe my feelings. I have become unfamiliar to myself, unable to count on my usual resources and distractions. I am tired and tedious. There is a a shaky feeling in my core that almost never abates. Some of this is just necessary readjustment to all the vestibular disturbances that the surgery wrought, and  I know people who have weathered it rather smoothly simply by being patient, resting a lot, and having faith in their body’s own healing.

Unfortunately, it has turned me into a basket case. I have gone to traditional doctors and psychologists, listened to meditation tapes, desperately tried acupuncture and massage and homeopathic remedies, shopped Amazon for goodies such as a weighted blanket, vitamin supplements, preservative-free eye drops, vile tasting tea, even an “anxiety phobia workbook”, gotten certified (it’s legal here) to enter a vaulted dispensary on a back street in the vain hope that a slim young man in dreadlocks would help me to find effective cannabis assistance, and tapped into my teachers’ retirement fund to hand wads of cash to a psychiatrist whom I fervently hope will lead me back to health. All I want is sleep, a re-set, the ability to wake up refreshed and begin the hard sustained work of physical therapy and healing. And in order to attain that, I have learned that I must first address my anxiety, which apparently is off the charts. It has a long history, this anxiety, but now, with me at my most vulnerable, it is at front and center stage. I have been at a low point in my life, and I really do understand why many friends are steering clear of me, and needless to say, I am depressed and discouraged, weak, shaky, uninspired, and at times in what I would describe as a state of despair.

Our nights have become like Groundhog Day…same old routines, same outcomes, over and over, joyless, despite the beauty of the world outside and the resilience of our bond, which has never been tested so much. One day I had the idea that I would just go to a hotel somewhere and give Monte a break from me. There was a place in Solvang called the King Frederick that sounded okay: inexpensive, near the next day’s physical therapy appointment, complete with a bathtub, a sauna, a queen bed, a big black square of television screen mounted on the wall. I pictured myself just going there, pulling down the blinds, resting, being elsewhere, maybe even getting some take-out Chinese food, maybe falling asleep to real estate tv, and I’d wake up and everything would be nice again.

Monte was appalled. There was no way that my escape to the King Frederick was ever going to make any sense to him…a mixture of scary and absurd. Solvang, no less. There I would be as the church muzak pealed outside, and the tourists took pictures of windmills, and the air smelled cloyingly of pastry.

But this is what it’s like sometimes. Even now, I’m typing this as the queasy “feeling” in my stomach flutters, and I wonder, at noon, what I will do with this day that should feel like a gift, not a trial. I won’t even begin to describe all the weirdness of medication, and how much that contributes to my anxiety.

And yet, there are those moments. The other day I had a familiar, fleeting sensation that can best be described as hopefulness. I don’t even know why, but it changed everything while it lasted, and unfortunately I crash-landed the following day after a night of no sleep, but I really did believe for a while that I am still in here, and that I would somehow be okay.

One day in my darkest depths, hiding in the downstairs room while everyone else seemed to be out and about enjoying life, the phone rang, and it was Nyuol, calling me from New York, and he described vignettes of Harlem to me that he could see through the window of his brownstone apartment. Kit and Beverly invited us over to their house last night, and it was perfectly okay with them that I lay on the couch, and didn’t say much, looking at Kit’s beautiful little pastel landscapes and sky-scapes pinned to the wall. Hilary-of-Wales thought of me and sent me a letter in the early hours of morning. Jan, who is going through a trial of her own, and I have been checking in daily and making plans about how we are going to rejoin the resistance when this is over, and maybe get our nails done too. A woman named Bonny I barely know whom I met at the On Being Gathering earlier this year sent me David Whyte’s newest poetry book. Some people still write to me despite getting no response, and my dear friend Dan sent me an email yesterday asking me to read Wordsworth’s lines composed about Tintern Abbey, and I have zoomed in on these lines…daring to hope:

While here I stand, not only with the sense
Of present pleasure, but with pleasing thoughts
That in this moment there is life and food
For future years. And so I dare to hope,
Though changed, no doubt, from what I was when first
I came among these hills; when like a roe
I bounded o’er the mountains, by the sides
Of the deep rivers, and the lonely streams,
Wherever nature led: more like a man
Flying from something that he dreads, than one
Who sought the thing he loved.

The moon keeps beaming down on the hills, serene and oblivious, and I pedaled a short distance on my bike and didn’t fall over. Summer will come, and all seasons in their turn, and somehow I will be looking back at this as a hard time but one that yielded wisdom, compassion, and strength. I will give things away. I will laugh at the sound of the tea kettle in the morning. I will be kinder than I ever was before. And I will know that I have been loved and that for this reason alone I must not give up.

I’ve never been a big fan of the idea of a “bucket list”  but I did have a few things that I wanted to do while still reasonably able-bodied…see the Northern Lights, that sort of thing. It’s funny now how simple my desires are. I have but one item on my bucket list for travel. I want to be on my daughter’s street in Oxford, stepping outside that familiar red door, with Monte and Xander, and it will be one of those early summer nights when the sky is still bright white at nearly ten o’clock, and we’ll be walking over to the Cowley Road for take-out, and afterwards, we’ll hug goodnight, and Monte and I will walk back over to Neal and Dot’s arm in arm, and the percussion of our footsteps on the sidewalk will punctuate the night, along with snippets of conversation from passersby, and in the morning Miranda will call and we’ll meet for coffee. I don’t really need to go anyplace else.

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A Little Bit Stuck

I will always remember that the springtime was extravagantly beautiful, the hillsides outrageously yellow, everything in raucous bloom, and I was somehow separate from it all. I missed the cycles of the moon, the push and pull of tides, the blazing of stars, the shifts of light and changes in the sky as days lengthened. Bright yellow orioles came to the honeysuckle, spreading their wings in sumptuous flashes of color.

But I have never been so sick and scared and stuck. It isn’t just the recovery from surgery; it’s debilitating insomnia and crippling anxiety, my own special demons. And I wish I had a more inspiring tale to tell you, but if you’re wondering where I’ve been…so have I. “You’re fading away,” said my husband in dismay.

It’s a long, strange, still-in-progress journey. I was doing better for a while, then went in the wrong direction, then, after four nights of not sleeping, I reached what I was certain was the low point of my life.

And yet somehow, if you get to the low point and survive, you realize that you are more durable than you thought, and you rally a bit to fight back. So much depends on sleep.

If I can just get some rest, I’m ready for whatever is required. I will have to be extremely disciplined and work hard and postpone a lot of good times, but this will be the year I dedicate to saving my life. I almost didn’t know that.

I realize this is all very general, and I’ll add to it later, but I’m too tired at the moment. I just thought I’d check in, because one of my favorite reader-friends was worried that perhaps I’d perished, particularly when my blog went inexplicably offline.

So more to follow. It’s good for me to write. It means I am becoming myself again. And I’ll spare you images of me at my most pitiable, but l have some funny vignettes to offer and some glints of light, and I’ve learned a few things. So I’ll be back. Is anyone still out there?

If drinking is bitter, change yourself to wine...that’s what Rilke said.

Or,

If the earthly no longer knows your name,
whisper to the silent earth. I’m flowing.
To the flashing water say: I am.

Yesterday I walked defiantly up the canyon in a howling wind, touched a tree. I’m in here somewhere.

 

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Here in the Glistening Green


The rain has come. The picture above is not recent, but it does give a sense of the greenness of the world and the way the leaves in the orchard glisten. The current reality, however, is wetter, drippier, and not so bright. The sky has silvery tones at times but mostly it’s just flat and gray. It’s been raining steadily, sometimes straight down, but sometimes sideways when the wind picks up. I’m feeling lethargic today, but I suppose if one is going to spend a day in bed, this is a good kind of day for it.

Rather than blogging regularly, I’ve been sending out email updates to friends, but a lot has happened since my previous post, and it seems like a good idea to check in. Maybe when I feel more ambitious I’ll turn the updates into a post, but for now I’m just sort of saying hello. Yesterday marked three weeks since the surgery.

There are good stretches and difficult ones. My life is about management of discomfort, and pacing myself. I’m trying not to lose perspective. Monte tells me that I am much stronger than I was, and yesterday I walked up the canyon all the way to a neighbor’s house and back. My biggest problem has come out of left field…or rather left eye…the eye is not properly blinking or creating tears, and by the end of the day, it becomes terribly dry and irritated.  I have eye drops, which don’t really provide more than a momentary balm, and friends have suggested patches and other remedies, but I’m still trying to figure it out. I ordered a moisture patch thing from Amazon…who knows when that will arrive? And I have an appointment with an ophthalmologist on Friday if we can get to Santa Barbara. In the meantime, I dread the evening hours when this thing starts to act up.

And yet…I need to remember that my tumor is unequivocally gone, and although I wish the healing would happen faster, there is every reason to believe that eventually I will be back to normal. I realize that there are people who go through far worse than this, battling cancer, for example, and despite all the suffering, they do not get better. I will get better.

It’s just a little harder than I expected.

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Grand Opening

Say the word cell.

Cell.

Say the word take.

Take.

Say the word death.

Death.

My silence is a noisy whoosh, a great amorphous inhalation.

We are hurrying, waiting, enveloped by unfamiliar faces and smells, swept into the sprawling unglamorous mosaic of Los Angeles, following instructions, feeling unmoored, and suddenly it’s six a.m. and we have walked through a tunnel to the hospital basement, and a man named Michael with receding red hair is registering me.

“We’re the same age,”  Michael observes. His skin is like a pale clay mask, waxy. He inhabits this indoor space, and his job right now is to turn me into someone other than myself. Sign this. Sign this. Sign this. There are so many forms.

Michael was growing up right here while I was a child in Brooklyn, but he sees us as cohorts, and he wants to talk about Good Humor ice cream–the toasted coconut kind–and Helm’s bakery trucks, and baseball cards, and that powdery pink bubble gum smell that always clung to them. 

Why in God’s name are we talking about these things now? Normally, I would be charmed, but I don’t feel like being nice or nostalgic.

Nothing has begun, and I am hugely uncomfortable. Everything is pending.

Sign this. Sign this.

They need to type my blood. They need to hook up an IV. Just one more little poke. Sign this. I’m wearing a gown and strips of tape and wire. My things are taken away. My glasses have been removed. Sign this.

And the ceiling rushes forward like a train above me, its rhombus cars sliding along, disks and square panels of bright utilitarian glare, interior blues and whites that make me yearn for sky.

Sign this.

Sign this.

Just one more little poke.

I feel too small to be the center of all this fuss and frenzy. I feel exposed and breakable.

In walks the anesthesiologist. His name is Shlomo. Do you want me to make everything go away? he says, or would you like to see the room first? He tells me he’s had brain surgery himself, twice…here and here, he says, pointing vaguely to his forehead. 

That’s good, I murmur. And you’ve done this anesthesiology thing before?

It’s my very first time, he jokes.

And I’ve had enough of the hideous glare, the starship enterprise, the too-much light, the chilling garish brightness bearing down and drowning me. Everything goes away.

___

I am awake in a tunnel. Someone pokes me periodically. I am bound by cords and wires, peeing through a catheter. There is a nurse named Lizzie looming over me, and another named Sandy, who brings me ice chips and places her hand on my forehead so gently that I start to cry. I am completely and utterly helpless.

There is Robot Nurse, a rotund Asian woman who rides a cart with a computer screen and whose primary role seems to be inputting data on my behalf, and who speaks no English, and with whom I have no human connection at all. There is a traveling nurse named Ricardo, who looks like an Aztec god, and mixes up a pain cocktail to put into my IV, then slides down to the floor and sits in the corner of my room, taking a break. He is forty-seven, he says, but the best part of his life has not yet begun. He tells me to have no regrets. There is a nurse named Rolle, on his second shift, who hates the city and envies my Gaviota life, and wishes he could be hiking outdoors.  A man across the hall is screaming. It’s cold outside, or so I am told, and Los Angeles is a thrum of traffic, a current of diversity, a sloppy kind of energy, restless and chaotic. Everyone is working so hard.

Of course I think of my sister, and how I never really understood what she endured, and my brother, alone in his hospital bed in New York City.  I have never known physical suffering before. I have never had such an awareness of my own frailty. Sometimes my goal is to simply lean back and not hurt.

I must find a way to fight back. I must open myself to light and goodness. I must somehow move from this moment to the next.

Finally, I am allowed to go home. It takes us hours to make this happen, but at last I am in the car, and Monte is driving us back, and soon I will be in the best place on earth.

____

Little complexities arise. I have thrush. I have a low-grade fever. I must stay hydrated. I must conserve energy but somehow also keep myself engaged.

I’m laughing at my naivety. Somehow I honestly thought that people would want to hear about this journey. Somehow I thought that I would be going through this accompanied in some way, friends looking in, checking in, cheering me on. I am hilariously surprised by my own insignificance. Everyone is busy. And no one can take this struggle away from me.

I am learning so much. Here’s one thing: social media, facebook, instagram…all that stuff…there is no one there. Never mistake it for real.

I don’t even know why I am writing this blog post. Why do I keep telling and sharing? Is anyone really out there? I don’t know anymore if any of this means anything.

The strange procession of images and news clips, sordid, garish, appalling. How did these, among so many other possibilities, become our reality?

If I can get myself together again, I will do it all differently.  I will not waste my time with superficial nonsense. So many self-proclaimed gurus, so much self-promotion, so much noise.

I cherish those who have checked in. My friend Diane came by, smelling of the beautiful outside. She assured me that there will still be lots of work for us to do when I am strong again. Nothing is getting fixed right away. Barb has written to me from snowy Saratoga. There are so many flowers in my room right now, and so many kinds of sweets.

I pray for grace and strength. I  am on a raft on a river, carried by a current.

Are we here for one another? And why do I feel compelled to tell you about this? How much can we contain in silence, and why should we keep it to ourselves?

I love my husband. I love my home, my place. I love and miss my daughter. I am grateful for my broken and complicated family of origin, and I see now that they are still here for me.

I am grateful for my friends and community, but I realize that they are not who or what I had thought them to be, and I know that I am feeling a little bit sorry for myself right now.  I thought my immediate neighbors would seem more real. I overestimated my significance in this little village. But what can anyone do anyway?

Some friends check in with an email or a text now and then, and that means so very much to me. Terry, my friend who had this surgery ten months ago, is especially reassuring. Just when I fear there is something gravely wrong in how weak and exhausted I am feeling, she tells me she felt the same way: “What you are experiencing is very normal and exactly how I felt.  Do not push yourself just give into it.  It is going to be awhile before you are even close to your old self.  I think that I mostly slept the first two weeks and I dreaded driving all the way back to L.A. for the suture removal.  Although I was all too happy to have them removed and to see Dr. Slattery.  As I said before, I gave myself one solid month of doing nothing…and I mean nothing! Month two I still took it really easy moving around a little more but still resting a lot…”

Time. Silence. Waiting.

My sister turns out to be one of the most understanding of all correspondents. She knows.

Troy’s print is hanging on the wall in front of me. “Too Much Talk”…one of one, so oddly fitting.

Everything is muted. Half-tones.

It’s a beautiful day, misty and green. I will force myself to get up and step outside.

My thoughts are jumbled, inconclusive, amounting to nothing.

I never felt that I did enough, but maybe I didn’t do nothing.

I cannot imagine that one day this will be behind me. Such slow progress.

What becomes of all those words and thoughts? What deeds will have mattered? Maybe there was something entirely different I needed to understand. Belief becomes imperative.

Cellular changes. My ruby beaded scar. Muted mutations. The brain is wider than the sky.

I think this is the best I can do right now. It’s hard to write. If anyone is out there, thank you.

______

Here is my email update from the other day:

In case we didn’t already know that we must take nothing for granted, the universe has deemed that we shall have no internet access, denying us the pleasure of little communications to and from friends. Later today, Monte will gather me up, escort me down the long stairway, and drive us to the junction of the 1 and 101 where there is usually a robust surge of wi-fi, and we’ll see if anything new comes in. (It reminds me of the girls at Nojoqui waiting for the Pony Express in the early 1900s.) Then we’ll head back south, pausing to look at the colors of the sea and Santa Rosa Island, and back to my bed-nest, which is where I am right now.

I have no illusions about how much I am suffering. Beloved members of my own family of origin endured the ravages of acute and chronic physical illness far beyond my own ability to imagine it. They were stoic and brave, fighting back as they could, but by and large consigned to the cruel randomness of their allotted fates, while I so casually inhabited my haven of perfect health, free to take it all for granted. What I am feeling today would have been a pretty good day for my sister, probably one of her best.

My father, too, if asked how he was doing, inevitably would have said “Can’t kick.” Tomorrow I will turn 67, the very age he was when he died, and I don’t know why that feels significant, but it does. (Then again, everything seems momentous.) But I’m not one to understate this challenge and say “Can’t kick”, because I sure can! I am a kvetcher and hyper-verbalizer from way back. I tend to tell people how I really feel. And yes, this is hard!

I have so much going for me, and I think each day will get a little better, but right now, it sucks. I hasten to add that I’m not in “pain”. I’m just very tentative, weak, and uncomfortable. My body is confused, and it feels different inside my head; sometimes a stuffiness, but sometimes more of an emptiness, an avenue with no traffic. No whoosh, no tintinittus, thank God, but the mild weather of bewilderment.

Oh, I am so incredibly grateful to know the tumor is unequivocally gone, but I must now acknowledge that stitches feel a little tight and tingly, and everything is half again as quiet, and I never understood how many micro-adjustments are involved in every moment of being alive. I also have a different sense of time. Maybe I thought time was linear, but now it seems more like a web in which we float, each of us separate, but connected as well. Internal, external, depends how you look at it. I open a page of a bedside book at random…Dan Gerber’s Particles: “Is a honey bee one being, or an element of one being?” And I walk through the snowscape of a beautiful book my daughter gave me, Silence in The Age of Noise, by Errling Kagge, and it seems so very fitting for this quiet time when suddenly I can no longer busy myself with this and that, pivoting away from the questions, avoiding confrontation with whoever I am when I am present.

Anyway, you can go ahead and feel a little sorry for me if you want.

I have always had a tendency to look to my history for what is real, and those people and things do matter, but I am beginning to see now that what is also real and meaningful are the kindnesses and messages that arise from more recent and often unexpected sources. The friends who sent us meals and care packages, beautiful words from Jeanne about our post-rain walks in the canyon, notes and socks and promises, books to read and think about, Lindy welcoming me into the fellowship of strong women…so much generosity. I want to talk to each of you individually, and I will, but for now, please know that you have helped. I am grateful too for more esoteric gifts: an arrowhead dislodged by my heel as I walked up the canyon recently, the prayer flags placed for me by friends of friends somewhere in the foothills of the Himalayas, the wren song in the morning, this little room filled with light. Why should I not accept all this as real, and even personal? I have spent too much time bound by barriers and constructs.

When I was in the hospital at the nadir of my misery last week, I looked up at one point and saw my husband standing there, and a sense of love and humility and gratitude filled me to the core of my being. But of course being Cynthia-the-haunted, I suddenly flashed back to my poor mother, lying in her bed not long before she died, and the appreciation and love that registered on her face when she looked up to see me, and that memory made me start to cry, because I knew I meant that much to her, and I wasn’t there enough. And then I remembered that we are never there enough, and we can never do enough, but that is not the point. I felt love as a force, not a means but the thing itself, and I saw it as real and powerful and everlasting. It is the animus, the spirit, the eternal, the energy of what we may even choose to call God.

I realize that my recovery process is not something you all need to be updated about daily, but it feels good to “talk” about it, and easier right now to send out this group email. I’ll get things better sorted out soon. Maybe in time we’ll even re-enter modern times and get some reliable service out here. It’s interesting to realize how much I count on that link to the world. I suppose it’s actually infuriating, but I don’t seem able to muster up the anger. I’m more focused on whether I can walk without wobbling and manage a good night of sleep. We may even try a hair wash later. Meanwhile, I know there is a lot I am missing that would only upset me if the barrage of “news” was coming in, and since I’m not ready to get back into the fight, there’s no point in diffusing mental energy.

So tomorrow will be the strangest of birthdays. I loved birthday #10. And #35, in Baja with the bike friends by the campfire, Steve and I refusing to abandon that whipped cream mocha cake. And every birthday ever with the little girl who made us laugh and remember wonder.

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It’s So Personal

It’s my last Sunday with a tumor. Tomorrow morning we’ll be heading down to Los Angeles for a series of pre-op appointments, then we’ll spend what I am sure will be a delightful night in a residence adjacent to the hospital, and I’ll be wheeled in for The Grand Opening early Tuesday morning. This has been a big distraction for some time now, and I look forward to having it behind me and engaging in the world again, in both frivolous and constructive ways.

A couple of years ago, I ran into someone who told me that she had come across my book by chance, and having nothing else to read, picked it up and read it. There was a pause, and I waited, and I finally dared to ask what she thought of it. Her reply: “It’s so personal.”

Well, there you have it. I’m a personal kind of person, and my writing reflects that, and I long ago made the decision that this blog, which no one is required to read anyway, will be as personal as it wants to be. I’m just talking here, maybe mostly to myself, and the wonder of it is that sometimes I connect with others too, and if my experiences, questions, and reflections make somebody else feel a little less alone, I’m happy about that.

And today the topic is acoustic neuroma surgery, because that’s what I’m about to undergo this week, and it’s kind of a big deal to me. Also, I know I’m not the only one who will come upon such a detour on the road of life, so I’m hoping my report might be helpful.

The type of operation I am having is called a translabyrinthine craniotomy, a delicate micro-surgery in which the semicircular canals and vestibule of the inner ear are removed with a surgical drill to get to the tumor, which is located on the vestibular portion of the eighth cranial nerve.  At this point a neurosurgeon steps in to perform the actual task of extricating the tumor. Then the flap around my ear, having been opened like a doorway, will be stitched shut, and I’ll be good to go. Eight hours will have passed, but I’ll wake up thinking it was no time at all.

I’ll be very pleased to have the tumor gone. It’s benign, and it’s not even very large, but it’s in a tricky location, inextricably linked to balance and hearing, and it can cause even more serious problems as it grows. I’ll be completely deaf forever in the affected ear after the operation, but I’ve already lost a lot of hearing on that side anyway, so maybe I won’t really notice, and I am told that the translabyrinthine approach is more likely than other approaches to keep facial nerve functioning intact.  I’m also going to a place which is world-renowned for this type of procedure, with experienced surgeons, and I guess at some point, it’s a matter of faith.

But one reason I want to talk about it freely is because the willingness of others to do so helped me greatly, and being candid and forthcoming is my way of beginning to “pay it forward”. One woman in particular, whose name is Terry, had the same operation  less than a year ago, and she has become my acoustic-neuroma-surgery guide and role model. Terry has been honest about the challenges of the recovery process, but she is also living evidence that I’ll probably be just fine. She is thriving, robust and sunny-natured, and I feel better just looking at her. She even gave me a pretty scarf to wrap around my head. It’s the proverbial kindness of strangers, although she doesn’t seem like a stranger anymore.

And my relationships have deepened with people who were already not strangers. It’s a funny flip side to the vulnerability and anxiety, a reminder that I have many fine fellow travelers in my life, and I’m so very grateful for the encouragement and love from these dear ones near and far.

I appreciate the prayers too, prayers in all forms, whatever they are. I especially like knowing that prayer flags are fluttering in the wind right now at the foothills of the Himalayas, placed there by a friend of a friend, with me in mind.

I know very well that others are going through struggles far worse, and I don’t want to overestimate my own significance in the universe, but I do feel a little shaky right now. I’m willing to receive.

I’ve been thinking a lot about ideas that were discussed during the “On Being” gathering last week, and I still intend to revisit these, but for now it’s just interesting to note how it all comes together. I want to talk about life on the Möbius Strip, and making my inner truth become the plumb line for the choices I make about my life. On the cusp of  my own Grand Opening, I am hoping that my true self will step into the light, and I will awaken into wholeness. And I’ll tell you about it, because telling is what I do.

Seems like a good moment to quote William Stafford:

And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy,
a remote important region in all who talk:
Though we could fool each other, we should consider–
lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.

But I guess I’m about to fall silent for a few days. I’ll let you know how it goes.

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Launch

It has become a ritual. We set the alarm, bundle up, go outside, and stand on the deck looking westward and up, sometimes feeling silly. Why are we so drawn to these spectacles in the sky that we rouse ourselves from good sleep and a warm bed to watch? I think of it as an acknowledgment of wonder, and whether it’s a meteor shower, an eclipse, or a rocket launch, I feel compelled to be present, observing.

This morning the show was the launch of the SpaceX Starlink Falcon 9. Vandenberg Air Force base is about fifteen miles from here, just over the mountains, and although these space age launches seem to contrast oddly with Gaviota’s bucolic hills and cattle ranches, proximity to the coast and low population density render the area well-suited for the purpose. The base launched its first ballistic missile in 1958 and soon became the regular site for test firings of strategic missile weapon systems and polar-orbiting satellite launches.

I remember my friend Bob Isaacson’s description of the surreal sight of an Atlas missile launch during a post-branding barbecue he attended at Las Cruces Ranch in the 1960s. Cowboys fell silent as the white column collapsed and spiraled in the winds, and then someone stood up and booed. “We knew things would never be the same,” Bob said.

Decades later, the launches still seem somehow dissonant and incongruous, but there is also something undeniably exciting about them.  It was cold outside this morning, but we were filled with anticipation. We heard the sound of a canyon wren as we opened the door, and the sky was already growing light, and at the precisely scheduled moment, a fiery shape emerged above the hills, soaring into the sky, followed by a long white plume, curling and swirling and shifting shape.

We watched until the exhaust grew pale and dispersed, and all pieces of the rocket faded away above the sea, and the rumbling gradually subsided, but one morning planet-star still glimmered bright. (Jupiter, perhaps?)

Then we lingered as dawn unfolded in rose tones above the hills.

And I actually intended to go back to bed, but there were far too many distractions. Sunlight was streaming into the kitchen, and there was a beautiful grapefruit on the counter, and Monte made me coffee and himself a cup of tea, and I watched the steam rising above his cup as though it were amazing.

Wonders abound.

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Things Hard To Contain

Sometimes I plan and think about a post before I blog. (Oh, that word, “blog”… it’s so ugly and dismissive.) Right now, though, I am typing quickly in a stream-of-consciousness way, maybe because this space has become a touchstone to me, and while I know I am talking out loud to a few people, I’m also talking to myself.

I’ve already posted two entries about the “On Being” gathering from which I just returned, and when I revisit them I see that they focused a lot on my own uncertainty and introvert tendencies. It’s interesting how the process of writing reveals so much about what we are experiencing. It is as Patricia Hampl said, “I don’t write about what I know; I write in order to find out what I know.”

But little by little I hope to talk less about my personal feelings and report a little more about the content of the conversations and presentations. There are so many things to write and think about in this post-gathering reflection time. I have so many pages of notes, diligent student that I am.

Dipping into my notebook, I see that a topic that came up early on and more than once was prayer, described as a form for the amorphous, a container for things that are hard to contain, a rhythm that helps us to make sense out of senselessness. I was particularly drawn to ideas about praying because a few days earlier a dear friend of mine had told me that she and her Bible study sisters are praying for me as I get ready to face my surgery next week. My friend is a believer, a deacon of her church, and a kind and caring fellow traveler, and although my own beliefs have grown shaky over the years, her kindness and certainty are comforting. She reminded me how Anne LaMott had distilled prayer into three basic types–help, thanks, and wow–and I get it. I’m feeling all three to the depths of my being; I may as well utter the words. Sometimes I think I have lost my voice entirely, muted by the onslaught of everything, but maybe I have been praying all along.

Come to think of it, I felt like I was praying during a lovingkindness meditation session I attended. And sometimes I pray when I walk, with each touch of my foot on good ground. Writing too can be a kind of praying, or am I letting myself off too easily? And love most certainly is…love, which Parker Palmer, one of my favorite of the presenters at the conference, said is a word we must bring back in a more robust and grounded way. Truth, he said, is an eternal conversation conducted with passion and discipline about things that matter, and love is not a quality of God, it is the unleashing of God. We live in what he called the “tragic gap” between harsh realities and what we know is possible. We walk in that gap knowing it will never be closed, but we keep trying.

There was a lot of discussion at the gathering about joining one’s inner life with one’s outer presence in the world, and I’m not at all sure what that means, but I’m pondering. And I don’t expect instant answers. I’m reminded here of something Naomi Shihab Nye said, quoting from one of her poems; it was something like this: “You’re not living the whole thing at once./That’s what a minute said to an hour./Without me, you’re nothing.”

And of course there was a mention of the late and beloved William Stafford, who said, “Your job is to find out what the world is trying to be.”

So that’s what I’m doing, trying to figure it out, still a pilgrim at a point in life when I probably should be a wise elder. I think it was Marilyn Nelson who described a dream she had in which reality was a dark space where the only light that enters comes through those who allow it to come through themselves. Unless we open ourselves up like that and in so doing become the light, we will continue to flounder in the dark. I’m trying to stay open, which is an ironic thing to say when I am about to have my ear opened like a door and my head cut into.

And all of these thoughts have been prompted by just the first  few pages of my “On Being” notebook, but yes, we’re not living the whole thing all at once, and now it’s time for a walk. I need to see what the wind and the trees in the canyon have to say.

In exactly one week, I will be in the ICU recovering from The Grand Opening, which has been so long pending, and it will be so good to have it behind me. But it has yielded unexpected gifts: a renewed appreciation for my circle of loving friends and family near and far, and a startling clarity and intensity in the way I am perceiving the sensations of being alive, as though everything has been amped up into high resolution. It’s a little like what ee cummings said, “be unto love/as rain is unto colour”… my world is saturated.

In the meantime, I think it’s important to remember that everyone is struggling, and we have all lost something dear. Naomi read this poem, “In Transit” at the gathering, and I want to share it here:

I mailed a package to myself, it never arrived.
Months later, wondering what it contained…
the package was oversized, I paid extra.
Mailed it from a place under trees. Surely shade
and sunlight was in the package. Mailed it
from a place compassionate to refugees.
Unopened envelopes inside the package,
poems from kind students hoping for response.
How do we answer without knowing
who they were or what they said?
This is why you must smile at everyone,
living and dead, everywhere you go.
You have no idea what has been lost
in transit.

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